10 Reasons You Should Be Like a Child

Every adult or emerging adult should emulate being a child. As we grow up there is a tendency to become more stiff and rigid. I believe this comes from the responsibilities and knowledge we take on over the years. The responsibilities make us worried so we naturally make them the center of our lives, quickly shutting out what matter to us when we were a child. Knowledge brings confidence and independence, but it also comes with pride and can some times make us set in our ways.

A child is free from all those restraints. A child can dream, play and learn without any worries because he/she has someone to rely on, dreams to aspire to and the innocence to not be corrupted. Everything a child does is focused outward, where the life of an adult can become increasingly inward every day.

I would like to challenge every adult and emerging adult to take on these 10 characteristics of being a child. I believe if we take this challenge, every day our lives will improve spiritually and emotionally. We will start to appreciate what we have more and worry less about material needs.

Here are the 10 characteristics I challenge every adult and emerging adult to emulate.

1. Appreciative

Children are thankful for what they have. They can sit and be satisfied with the littlest thing… sometimes they are even satisfied with nothing!

How would your life improve if you were satisfied with what you had and appreciated every moment, possession and person around you?

2. Curious

Children have this natural yearning to learn. They want to discover new things, figure out why something works, and to explore the unknown!

How would your life change at work, at home and with other people if you had a naturally curiosity to push further to understand more?

3. Enthusiastic

Children are ready to participate and ready to share. They participate with their full self, totally engulfing themselves into the activity. They shout, “Mommy, Mommy! Look what I did!” to share what seems like the littlest moment to us, but is a proud moment for them.

How would you feel about yourself if you put yourself fully into the moment? If you were proud of everything you did?

4. Happy

Children are genuinely happy. Their happiness is pure and natural. There are no additives for a child’s happiness – no medication, no material consumption and no social acceptance needed.

How would your attitude change if you had a genuine, pure happiness?

5. Innocent

Children have no cruel intentions. They do not want to cause harm. They have a lightheartedness about them.

How would you act if you had a more innocent soul?

6. Loving

Children’s love is pure, innocent and true. They naturally love those around them. They love their parents, siblings, relatives, teachers, coaches, counselors, and all those around them with admiration and respect.

How would you treat others if you loved each one of them with admiration and respect?

7. Passionate

Children fight endlessly for something they want. Crying or not, they have a drive to follow through to the end.

How would you live if you were driven by this endless passion?

8. Transparent

Children show how they are feeling. They’re honest with their emotions and they’re not ashamed of it. They allow others in, instead of fighting off their compassion.

How would you be different if you were more transparent?

9. Trusting

Children have a first instinct to trust others. They’ll believe what you tell them and won’t question you. They trust that you have their best interest in mind.

How would you work with others if you were more trusting, and trustworthy?

10. Wide-Eyed

Children see the world and what’s in it with a wide-eyed amazement. They view the world in wonder of its endless opportunities.

How would you think with this wide-eyed view?

Bonus: Imaginative

Children are never tired of playing pretend. They dream up out of the box games and elaborate stories. They are never satisfied with boredom when they have their creativity at their finger tips.

Can you imagine your life improved with the characteristics of a child?


Should You Move In Together?

A lot of couples move in together because it makes their lives easier. Maybe they spend so much time together anyways or they have so many sleep overs that their stuff is split between two houses; its just easier to live in one place. Or maybe they are both moving to a new city or state so they decide to get a place together because that’s easier than finding new roommates. For whatever reason it seems like more couples are living together before marriage than before.

It can be a dangerous choice if not thought out properly.

Personally, I’m not for living together. Trust me, I would love it. I’m in a long distance relationship and so badly I would love for my boyfriend to move to New York when he’s done with school. It would be easier for him to move in with me since I already have an apartment and he doesn’t know many people out here, but for me that might be risking too much. Reading “The Cohabitation Effect” chapter from The Defining Decade helped me confirm I’m making the right choice.

“…couples who ‘live together first’ are actually less satisfied with their marriages and more likely to divorce than couples who do not. This is what sociologists call the cohabitation effect.” (p. 91)

Living Together is NOT a Test for Marriage

This is a common assumption for many people, young and old. This was true for Jennifer, one of Dr. Meg Jay’s clients. Jennifer was now seeing Dr. Meg Jay because she was getting a divorce after feeling she got into the wrong marriage too quickly. Jennifer and her husband Carter dated and lived together during their twenties. As Jennifer was nearing thirty she saw her other friends marrying and having babies of their own, Jennifer started to worry that Carter would never be serious about a career or their relationship. Jennifer thought living together would be a good test for marriage. With Jennifer and Carter as an example Dr. Meg Jay explains how living together is not a test for marriage…

“They vaguely had the idea of testing their relationship, but they didn’t venture into areas that typically stress marriage: They didn’t pay a mortgage, try to get pregnant, get up in the night with kids, spend holidays with in-laws when they didn’t want to, save for college and retirement, or see each other’s paycheck and credit-card bills.” (p. 93-94)

In the same way, marriage is not  a test to see if the other person will get serious about the relationship. 

At the very least if you are going to move in with someone you need to have a talk about what that commitment means for your relationship. Too many times couples who have been living together for numerous years feel that the next step is getting married, but too often these marriages quickly fail.

Sliding, Not Deciding

Often couples move in together after a quick decision without a conversation as to what the move will mean for the relationship. This is “what is known as ‘sliding, not deciding.’ Moving from dating to sleeping over to sleeping over a lot to cohabitation…” (p. 92)

Without a conversation couples can have different motivations for moving in together and different opinions on what it means for the severity of the relationship. Research has shown that twentysomething men are motivated to make the move for chances of more sex while women are motivated for chances of increasing love. “But both men and women agree that their standards for a live-in partner are lower than for a spouse.” (p 93)

Isn’t that sad? Why are we lowering our standards? If we’re looking for love and want to be on a path towards marriage shouldn’t we be at least keeping to the same standard?

Couples still slide into moving in together, probably because they are unaware of all these know facts from researches. It seems harmless because so many people are living together. It’s the new norm to live together before marriage or even being engaged. But, unfortunately as couples slide into living together, the time starts sliding as well.

Jennifer recalls how after a couple of years she wondered what her and Carter were still doing…

“Everything about it was fuzzy. That fuzziness ended up being the mot frustrating part. I felt like I was on this multiyear, never-ending audition to be his wife. That made me really insecure. There was a lot of game-playing and arguing. I never felt like he was really committed to me.” (p. 94)

Time slides by and it suddenly feels like you should be married by now. The daunting thirty deadline gets closer. Friends start walking down the aisle. Then more friends are walking down and then baby carriages start appearing. Everyone else is settling down, making you feel behind.


The “lock-in” comes when there is a pressure to get married due to the number of years the couple has lived together and/or age. The problem is because the couples’ lives have become so intertwined it is harder to leave the relationship than he/she thought when first moving in together. When a couple moves in together they underestimate the risk of combining their lives financially because the consequences are in the future; the future possible problems don’t seem as real or complicated until the very real complications hit them in the face.

“Lock-in is the decreased likelihood to search for other options, or change to another option, once an investment in something has been made.” (p. 96)

The investments are called “setup costs”. The setup costs can be as small as a signature or as big as adopting a pet or splitting costs for all of the furniture. Setup costs, big or small, can lead to a lock-in. Setup costs create an attachment that makes it more difficult to leave later, even if leaving will provide a better option.

This can happen because of the “‘switching costs’… the time, money, or effort it requires to make a chance.” Switching costs are what couples underestimate and are what make it the most difficult to leave.  Lets say a couple adopts a dog. When one of them has thoughts about leaving the relationship one starts to wonder, who gets the dog? Or if you have a joint bank account or credit card, how will you get out of that smoothly to support yourself? Couples stay in their live-in relationships because of the uncertainty of how to leave and the fear of what will happen to the things, pets and even friends that “belong” to both couples.

Before long someone is forcing the other down the aisle. The couple is quickly married then most likely divorcing, and leaving is becoming even more complicated than before.

Yes, I will agree that this is not the case for all couples. For example, the cohabitation effect is less likely for couples who move in together after a public engagement. I thin the key here is if you are considering living together, first be sure to have a converstaion. Find out why you want to live together and what it will mean for the relationship. Talk about what you would do if you ran into any of the problems we talked about here or how you could avoid them. Second, be sure to re-evaluate. Having the initial converstation is a good start, but you need to make sure you continue to “check in”. Think on your own to make sure you are happy and have what you want. But also make sure you are always being honest with each other. Revisiting the conversation can be a good thing.

For me, I will continue to stick with my decision to not live together before I am married. I think it is too easy to fall into a lock-in. I also worry that it could ruin a relationship, even if the relationship does not work out romantically, I would hope that we would be able to to stay in each other’s lives. Leaving a live-in relationship seems too messy and might ruin that chance of being friends, instead there could be too much animosity.

What do you think about the cohabitation effect?


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Dr. Meg Jay from The Defining Decade – 30 Is Not The New 20

Check out my girl, Dr. Meg Jay! She’s on TED talking about her lessons for twentysomethings.

I did a post series on her book, The Defining Decade, where we learned about the importance of using our twenties to build of future in work, family and personal life. Listen to this talk, read some of my posts, and take the time to read The Defining Decade. If you learn and act, you will be better prepared than most of your peers.

“Thirty is not the new twenty, so claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, use your weak ties, pick your family. Don’t be defined by what you didn’t know or didn’t do. You’re deciding your life right now.” ~Dr. Meg Jay

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Dating Down

Many twentysomethings do not take dating seriously. Dating is thought to be a time to have fun now and worry about marriage later. All the first dates and not serious relationships are practice for when you want to get serious. 

If dating in our twenties is just practice, why are we practicing bad habits that could stick?

You can be a very successful twentysomething, but still have a bad love life. You can have a career, control over your finances and a fancy apartment, but at the same time uphold a condensing life of self judgement and settling. A life that consists of a respected nine to five day job, but a booty call at night. Or an uneven relationship with a live-in partner who has no job and doesn’t pull his or her weight. Relationships can be hard work, but there is a certain level of respect and equality that should be met for both parties.

At any age anyone can fall into dating down. It can stem from what Dr. Meg Jay calls your “untold story” or settling. An untold story is like a story line in your head created from past conversations and experiences about yourself. It may depict how you view your love life and how you play a role in the dating field. Here is what Dr. Meg Jay has to say about untold stories…

“The power of these untold personal stories is that… they can loop silently in our minds without anyone, sometimes even ourselves, knowing about them. The stories are found hiding… in the gaps between what we plan to do and what we actually do, or between what happens and what we tell people about what happens.” ~The Defining Decade, Dr. Meg Jay (p. 108)

These untold stories need to be told and edited. Stories that aren’t shared are of shame and can eat away at you left unspoken. Let your untold stories out and create a new story. Let the past out and replace those stories with the new edited you. New stories of all your accomplishments and best qualities. Share stories that you are proud of, then you will see yourself becoming more proud of yourself. Editing your story will allow you to have the strength to recognize when you are settling and how to never settle again.

Once you treat yourself with respect, others will too. 

Think about what you want and need in a partner. Take the dates you do choose seriously. Find out what traits you like and dislike. Find out what qualities you want or need in a relationship. To create good dating habits we need to switch from being wanted to wanting. Take charge of your love life! Choose your partner, don’t like your partner choose you.

You’re next boyfriend or girlfriend could be your last.

*This post, quotes and this post series come from inspirations and lessons found in The Defining Decade and should be accredited to Dr. Meg Jay.*


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Can You Pick Your Career and Your Family?

When you were a little kid how many times did friends, family members  and teachers ask you what you wanted to be when you grew up? Since you were a little kid life was about picking your career. If someone asked you, “What type of husband/wife do you want when you grow up?”, well then I’m incredibly surprised.

In my last post on love, inspired by The Defining Decade, I spoke about the problem of how society views marriage. Society doesn’t worry about marriage until the age thirty deadline hits and then it suddenly feels like you’re behind. We should be striving for our dream marriage as we are for our dream job. Especially if the family you grew up with was not the perfect family you wanted or had internal struggles, your marriage can be a second chance at family.

We talked about customizing your life, not settling. This should apply in your love life as well. Think of the type of family you want. Think of the life you want to have for yourself and your family. Do you want a big family who is involved with extended family? Or do you want a quite little family? Find out what characteristics you want in a husband or wife. Find someone who can help you be a better you. Then there’s your future children, what type of life do you want them to have? What type of environment do you want them to grow up in?

Someone once told me to find a man with the same values as me and everything else will work from there. I think it makes sense because we should have the same basic wants then. A couple with the same values can work together and support each other. We should naturally have a relatively similar picture of what we want our futures to be.

In The Defining Decade, Dr. Meg Jay suggests couples have “the define-the-relationship talk.” This talk will help see where you current relationship is going and see what that person’s view of the future is. If they have a view that’s completely opposite from you, maybe it is not the best relationship to be in.

This is why it is important to be smart in your twenties when it comes to matters of love. I don’t think I’ve explained what the age thirty deadline is yet… To me, it’s the unofficial expectation of society that you should be married by thirty. If you’re in a relationship now that isn’t going to end up towards marriage you’re cutting your time short. I’m not trying to pressure you into settling down right this second, I’m saying use this time wisely. Dating around can be fun, but be careful because time flies. Before you know it you can be 27 and only have a few years to date wisely and hope for the best.

“Twentysomethings who aren’t at least a little scared about their relationships are often the ones who are being the least thoughtful.”The Defining Decade, Dr. Meg Jay (p. 87)

I think we should start getting serious about dating. Men and women should have standards. We shouldn’t date people just because they’re fun or really good looking, we should have some credentials  Let your dating experience show you what you like and don’t like, then stick only with the likes when you choose the next person to date. Let your relationships have some substance. When you have this picture and these standards, then you will be on your way to picking your family.

In my next post on love I will talk about dating down to speak a little bit further about sticking with your likes and giving your relationships some substance.